By Dave Smith
Nashville, TN
Years ago, when I began to crawl out of active addiction and alcoholism, I was filled with fear, confusion, hate and resentment. I felt alone and defeated and was desperate to find another way to face the world and myself, a personal transformation.
I’d like to offer you a song, entitled “Shining Down” (see below). Written and recorded in 2003, this song reflects on the strong grip of these difficult mind states that I was constantly lost in. As I began to look at and understand the nature of my destructive self-centeredness; how so much of the problems I seemed to face were actually born in my thinking mind ― I found tremendous relief and freedom simply by acknowledging the truth of the suffering I had caused and experienced.
Accepting the truth of the past and becoming open to a new way of approaching my relationship to this world was both difficult and freeing. There was nothing I could do about my past, it was not going change, but I COULD change my relationship to the past and actually appreciate how it allowed me to have the opportunity to change, to start over, to begin again, to wake the fuck up. In many ways I was able to appreciate the suffering in way that was useful and beneficial. To have and experience some gratitude for the opportunity it really gave to me. It allowed me to make changes in my daily life that moved me in a better direction. The truth of the past, the suffering of the past, was in many ways my greatest asset and proved to become a foundation for spiritual growth, happiness, and appreciation.
Now, finding appreciation for the success, good fortune and happiness of others has not been something that has come natural to me. When other people were experiencing happiness and success it has sometimes left me with this feeling of “how come them and not me”? This reaction has only led to me to experience anger, jealousy, self-pity and even resentment.
Years ago when I first started to practice the dharma I began to understand and see that these difficult experiences took root in moments when “comparing mind” was happening. As I began to investigate this function of comparing mind I was able to see that it was happening a lot, if not most of the time! Comparing my past self against my idea of future self, comparing today against yesterday, this sit against that sat, and on and on it went. It would leave me with a feeling of dissatisfaction in the end. Comparing mind was causing lots of confusion and suffering in my life. I was also comparing myself against others; seeing others as better than or less than myself. Comparing other people’s happiness against my own, what other people had and what I didn’t have. Not just material things but also an over-all sense of well-being and happiness in the world. It was overwhelming and frustrating to say the least. I could see clearly how it worked and that it was not serving me in anyway at all. Even though I could see and understand it, I wasn’t really sure what I could do about it other than simply observing it. What was the skillful means in working with this strong habitual pattern of mind?
As I began to investigate comparing mind further I also could see clearly that comparing quickly led to judgment. Judgments about myself, other people, the world, the past, the future; in fact, it seemed like I had a judgment of just about everything! It was exhausting and caused me so much confusion and frustration. When I would sit on Vipassana retreats and read about the dharma I was somewhat relieved that this topic of comparing and judging was talked about a lot and that they were strong hindrances to the practice of freedom. As my practice grew I was able pay attention to these mind states and was able to let go some of the time. I was able to get “some” release from them but I still felt like they really had a strong hold on me. I would often find myself collapsing underneath their influence and in many ways I felt hopeless and defeated, which of course only led to more judging and comparing. I was stuck and I knew it!
Last year I started to study and learn to facilitate meditation-sitting groups with my friend and teacher Noah Levine. This process involved a lot of reflecting, studying, writing and practicing. The training has really challenged me to understand and transform some of my deeply conditioned habits of mind and heart. Over the last three months I have been studying and practicing the 4 Brahma-Viharas: loving-kindness, compassion, appreciative joy and equanimity.
In really working with and exploring these practices I have come to see that this practice of appreciative joy can be skillful means to working with judging and comparing. Learning to appreciate not only the happiness and success that I experience but also other people’s good fortune, success and happiness. Sitting quietly and simply connecting with your heart center and offering these very simple phrases:
May I learn to appreciate the happiness, joy and success that I/you experience.
May the happiness I/you experience continue to grow.
May I/you be filled with appreciation and gratitude.
This practice of appreciation for ALL the success and the happiness that is experienced in the world has really transformed the suffering that I cause myself as a result of comparing and judging. I can now appreciate all of it. Without creating this duality of “self” and “others”. I can simply appreciate this quality of happiness in the world.
The Buddha said that there are 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows in the world. Appreciation is aimed specifically at these 10,000 joys. Can I participate and appreciate all the joy in the world? Can I allow those around me to grow into happiness for themselves without feeling “left out”? Can I learn to appreciate all the happiness in the world without comparing it against my own, or judging myself for not having it? I am starting to feel like I can!
May all the joy and happiness in this world continue to grow!
With much gratitude,
Dave Smith
“Shining Down”, by Dave Smith (if the player doesn't work, click here to listen)
